Fire Emblem: Path of Retardedness
by Flammenschwert
Summary: Join Ike and his retarded mercenary company as they save the land of Tellius! Rated M for language and other stuff... Yeah. Please comment!
1. Mecenaries

Fire Emblem: Path of Retardedness

Fire Emblem: Path of Retardedness

Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem or any of it's characters… Wish I did though… Then Soren and Oscar would be the main characters and Elincia would die… Enjoy. X3

--

It was yet another boring day on the continent of Tellius. Boring… Except… Le Gasp! Just outside the Greil Mercenaries fort the mercenary commander Greil was duking it out with his retarded spikey-blue-haired son, Ike.

"Ike, you retard! Don't hold you're sword like that!" Greil yelled as Ike gripped his sword by the blade…retard…

"Why are we using real swords?" Ike asked dumbly as he grasped the hilt of the sword.

"Because I need an excuse to kill you…"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

They fought some more in slow motion until Greil's daughter, Mist, showed up distracting them from their fight to the death.

"Father! Brother! I need you to do me a favor!" The yellow clad girl yelled as she ran over to them. However it was exactly that moment that Ike decided to have yet another retarded moment and he attacked Greil in slow-mo. Unfortunately for him Greil grabbed a stick in normal motion and beat Ike bloody with it. Mist caught up with them and screamed as she saw Ike bloody and dying on the ground.

"Oh no, Ike!" She screamed. She ran over to his limp body and kneeled down next to him.

"Ike? Ike? I—EEEEEKKKK!" She screamed again as she saw a spider conveniently placed on Ike's shoulder. Mist, being the arachnophobic person she is, grabbed the stick Greil was holding and beat Ike senseless while attempting to kill the spider. Ike died shortly after and that awesome 'game over' music began playing… Of course in Fire Emblem main characters can't die so a holy light soon showed up and Ike was magically revived.

Greil simply stared and said, "Cra--" He didn't get to finish his sentence (word) because Boyd came crashing through some trees like Tarzan and plowed right into Greil, sending both of them flying.

"Hey guys!" Boyd said as though he hadn't just plowed right into his boss.

"Boyd? What're you doing here?" Ike asked as he helped Greil up

"Oh, nothing much…" He replied, " Just trying to gather some wood so I can set Rolf on fire…"

"WHAT!?" Mist screamed.

"NOTHING!" Boyd yelled and ran away screaming like a little girl. Mist seemed to take offense to the last sentence, however, as she reached through the screen and mutilated the author…

Greil was so proud of Mist for killing the author he let her join the mercenary company. Ike got jealous so he killed Mist, she was brought back to life by the magic reset button, and Greil decided to let Ike into the company because it was programmed into the game…

END CHAPTER 1 XP

M.Y.: The retardedness! It BURRRRNNNNNNNSSSSSS!! And I know this didn't follow the basic story line but hey… It's a fan fiction! I can do whatever I want to the characters…. Isn't that right, Soren?

Soren: Yes, yes…

M.Y.: Beware my evilness!

Soren: Evilness isn't a word… Moron…

M.Y.: Glares

Krad throws Soren into the pit of non-angsty emo stuff and watches as he cowers in fear as he is mercilessly hugged by fuzzy bunnies…

M.Y.: Mwahahahahahahahaha! See you in da next chapta!

Soren: AAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!!


	2. Kidnapped

MistressYaoi: Yo I'm back to give you another chapter of retarded shit

MistressYaoi: Yo I'm back to give you another chapter of retarded shit! Okay so the rating was upped because of language. Sorry about that. Anyways… SOREN! The disclaimer!

Soren: The bitch known as MistressYaoi does not own Fire Emblem or any of it's characters…

MistressYaoi: And the useless pile of organic material known as Soren will suffer greatly in this chapter for the bitch comment… Take that fucker! Please valued reader continue and enjoy the tourtur… I mean story…

--

Titania was outside by the stables feeding her horse when Rhys walked up to her.

"Titania you got a letter." Rhys said.

Now as we all know Titania does not have mad ninja skillz so she was surprise… She ended up striking Rhys with her axe killing the priest… He was revived by the magic reset button…

"What was that for bitch!?" Rhys shouted.

"Oh Rhys you startled me." Titania said.

"Don't give me that startled crap! You did that on purpose!"

"Yeah yeah. Just like that time Shinon was drunk and he killed you because he thought you were Ike."

"Just shut and take your damn letter!"

"I wonder what it says."

"Dunno. Why don't you open it up and find out." Rhys said sarcastically.

"Are you pulling a Soren and PMS-ing?" Titania asked.

"NO! I am NOT acting like Soren!"

"Okay…" Titania opened the letter and gasped, "Oh noes! Mist and Rolf have been kidnapped!"

"Again!?"

"We must go help them!" Titania cried dramatically.

"Just go get the others you retarded bitch."

" Ahem. Right!" Titania said as she left to go tell the others what had happened.

--

Now as you know Ike and his merry band of retards passing themselves off as mercenaries go against Titania's orders and go and try to save Mist and Rolf on their own… So to make a long story short Rhys was used as a shield and was continually killed and revived by the magic reset button, Ike killed Boyd mistaking him for an enemy, Oscar stood on a healing bush filing his nails, Titania showed up and killed everyone friend and foe cause she was pissed that no one listens to her, Oscar's horse being the demon horse it is retaliated and killed Titania who was revived by the magic reset button as was every other important main character, and Boyd and Ike fought over who would kill the boss… That is until Rhys pulled out a magnum and shot the boss. That now leads us to this awkward situation…

Mist and Rolf where still being held hostage by some random pug ugly bandit that happened to survive. Ike and his companions were weaponless and the ugly random bandit was about to kill Rolf… That was until a rocket was fired obliterating the bandit along with Mist and Rolf. They were brought back by the magic reset button.

"Booya! I kill- Aw man. The brats' survived." Shinon said as he and Gatrie came out of hiding.

"Sh-Shinon could y-you slow down…" Gatrie panted, "I can't keep up."

"I told you I wouldn't need your help… I dunno why you bothered with your armor."

"Because it makes my muscles look big." Gatrie began flexing his arms as the 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' music began to play.

"Whatever."

"Uncle Shinon!" Rolf cried as he ran over to the sniper, "Guess what Uncle Shinon! Uncle Shinon. Uncle Shinon."

"Oh for the love of…" Shinon pulled out an uzi and shot Rolf. He was revived by the magic reset button.

"Uncle Shinon! Guess what Uncle Shinon!"

"Wha…" Shinon shot Rolf again and, again, Rolf was revived.

"Uncle Shinon!"

"Wh-What are you? Why won't you die?" Shinon asked

"Duh! I can't die! I'm an NPC." Rolf replied

Shinon collapsed to the ground clutching his head and began to scream bloody murder.

--

The mercenaries returned to their base and Greil punished them for disobeying orders by putting them through midevil torture devices like the rack or the iron maiden.

--

MistressYaoi: Okay that is chapter two. When I said language I bet your mind instantly thought Shinon… Don't deny it you know it's true. Anyways please review! I live off of your reviews!

Soren: That's because the computer owns your soul…bitch.

MaistresYaoi: It's true… Anyways see you next chapter!


	3. Greil's Death! WOOHOO!

Fire Emblem: Path of Retardedness

MistressYaoi: Chapta three! WHOOOOOOOOO!! SOREN! The disclaimer!

Soren: Why not ask someone else. I don't feel like doing it.

MistressYaoi: Fine! Oscar!

Oscar: Yes?

MistressYaoi: Would you mind doing the disclaimer?

Oscar: Certainly, MistressYaoi does not own Fire Emblem or any of its characters.

Soren: Wait! Why are you all nice to him but put me through…

MistressYaoi: SILENCE! You bore me! That is all you need to know!

Soren: Bullsh--

MistressYaoi: READ ON!! By the way… This chapter is for chapter 7 in the game… A.K.A. The one where Greil dies… )

--

Greil was wandering around the outside of the abandoned castle coming up with ways to inconspicuously kill Ike. As he came up with an awesome idea involving a rubber chicken Ike came wandering around and ran into him. Greil got pissed and killed Ike. Ike was revived by a holy light.

"Why did you kill me?" Ike asked.

"Pure accident." Greil replied, "What are you doing out here boy?"

"You won't believe it but there's this large brown wooden barrier preventing me from getting inside!" Ike exclaimed.

"That would be a door you retarded buffoon."

"Oh. That would explain the knob…"

"Yes. Come, Ike. Follow me. I have something I wish to discuss with you." Greil commanded reaching for the knife in his pocket.

"You called me Ike." Ike said as he deformed to a teary eyed chibi-Ike.

"Riiiggghhht. Just move it." Greil said getting impatient.

"Coming!" Ike skipped behind his father.

Just as they reached a clearing and Greil was about to stab Ike a Black Knight came and impaled Greil.

"Ha! Take that you fer!" The Black Knight laughed as Greil died an extremely slow dramatic death. As he died in Ike's arms the Titanic music began to play.

"NOOOO! FATHER!" Ike screamed. "You killed my father!"

"No, Ike… I am your father."

"No…No! That's not true!"

"Of course not you moron! I've just always wanted to say that."

"Oh."

"Don't worry my boy." The armored one said, "In the next game you get to kill me and avenge your father."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Really, really?"

"Yes."

"Really, really, really?"

"YES!"

"Really, really, really, reall-." The Black Knight impaled Ike. Ike was revived. The Black Knight disappeared in a flashy red light. Kinda like those ones you see in Vegas. Yeah. You know the ones.

Some how the rest of the mercenaries knew that Greil had died and soon came and immediately buried Greils body in hopes his spirit would move on and leave them the hell alone.

Later Shinon and Gatrie stormed out of the abandoned castle. Rolf tried to get them to stay but Shinon just shot him with a uzi. Later Boyd and Oscar went and tried to convince them to stay. They ended up re-enacting the entire Matrix lobby scene. They failed to bring Shinon and Gatrie back.

So the mercenaries feigned sorrow and murdered people. They gained another mage named Ilyana. Soren hated her and killed her. She was revived by the magic reset button. She then went al psyco beeyotch on him and killed Soren. He was revived and never lived down the shame of being killed by a girl… Soren became even more emo than before. He constantly wore a pitch black cloak with a hood and carried a candelabra. People were creeped out.

END CHAPTER 3 XP

--

MistressYaoi: Okay. I cut the chapter short because I didn't want to do the fighting. To troublesome. So if you're wondering what an Uzi is, it's a gun usually used by terrorists and mafia peoples in Hollywood movies.

Soren: Why an uzi?

MistressYaoi: Go bother someone else with your trivial retardedness.

Soren: What!? I'm the only sane person here and you're calling me retarded?!

MistressYaoi: Will you shut it before I kill you permenantly?

Soren: Cowers I'll be good.

MistressYaoi: There's a love. See you in da next chapta! Kills Soren with an uzi MWAHAHAHAHAHA!! DO NOT DEFY ME! I AM YOUR MASTER!

Police sirens

MistressYaoi: Uh-Oh. The police. Hops into army jeep with mafia members You'll never take me alive!

--Also just as a side note... Occasionally there will be someone named Krad appearing in my author's notes and I would like to make it known that he is mah buddy who helped with the story! Arigatou Krad!


End file.
